A Beautiful Fight
by alegnax
Summary: "the gods will offer you chances / know them / take them / you can't beat death but / you can beat death in life, sometimes / and the more often you learn to do it / the more light there will be."
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Consider this the start of a "fast-forwarded" sequel to Strong at the Broken Places. I hope all of my fellow Rollisi fans (and anybody else who has been nice enough to read my stuff) enjoy!

* * *

"Mama!"

Amanda woke up to the familiar sound of Jesse calling for her from her crib. She was never distressed or crying, just anxious to get her mother's attention after a night's sleep had kept them apart. Warm beneath her sheets, Amanda blinked her eyes into focus. Shards of morning light were just beginning to stream through the blinds of her bedroom; the warmth of spring had finally coaxed out the last bit of winter. Frannie was a furry brown lump at the end of the bed, her ears relaxed and her limbs askew. Amanda lazily looked over her shoulder: Sonny was asleep on his stomach beside her. He looked as peaceful as she felt.

Carefully, Amanda maneuvered her way out from underneath the covers. Naked accept for underwear, she pulled on an oversized t-shirt that she picked up from off the floor and tied her hair up in a knot atop her head. Barefoot she padded into Jesse's room. Kim had moved to a sober house in Chelsea months earlier, meaning a hamper and a set of drawers replaced the space where a twin bed used to be.

Jesse was standing up in her crib, waiting for her mother. "Hi, mama."

"Hey, you. Good mornin'," Amanda said brightly, keeping her voice low as to not to wake Sonny. She pulled Jesse from her confines and rested her against her hip. Her little body was warm from sleep and she squeezed her close, inciting a giggle from the toddler. She swayed with Jesse gently, enjoying the goofy grin it brought to her daughter's face. Whenever she played with Jesse this way, it reminded Amanda of being a child with her grandmother, who used to dance with her in the kitchen while she cooked. It was a fleeting reprieve from the chaos going on in the Rollins household, but Amanda was certain that was how she learned what love was. What love felt like. The older woman would playfully sing a Doris Day tune that ended with wrapping the little girl up in a tight and reassuring hug, one that kept Amanda warm on the coldest of nights even long after her grandmother had passed.

" _I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!_ " she softly sung the old refrain with her forehead against Jesse's, giving her a little jostle in sync with the rhythm. Laughter bubbled up from Jesse again, her small fingers grabbing gleefully at loose strands of hair around Amanda's face.

"Mornin', ladies." Sonny appeared, leaning against the door frame of the small room. He was in a white t-shirt and sweatpants, his hair a little disheveled from sleep but swept away from his face.

Amanda moved toward him, her free arm snaking around his waist. "Sorry, did we wake you?"

"Nah. Frannie sneezed in my face," he explained.

She gave him a slow, lazy kiss. "Lucky you," she murmured.

His arm around her shoulders, he gave them a squeeze. "You guys want breakfast? I'll make scrambled eggs."

"Eggs!" Jesse repeated enthusiastically between them before demanding, "down!"

Amanda set the little girl on her two feet, allowing her to toddle into the living room. Jesse immediately retrieved a few plastic animal figures from the coffee table and began to amuse herself; the toy box had been obsolete for awhile, she left stuff everywhere. Amanda could smell coffee, thankful that she had remembered to set the timer on the pot before she went to bed the night before. She and Sonny moved around one another in the small kitchen as she filled their mugs and he opened the refrigerator. Eventually she leaned her back against the counter, knowing that it was best if she stayed out of the way while Sonny cooked.

She smiled into her cup, watching him through her blonde bangs. The past six months had been good. She and Sonny had cobbled together some non-traditional sense of normalcy that made Amanda feel a kind of wholeness she never had before. There were no labels, no heavy discussion about expectations - it just _was._ It had passed the point of casual a long time ago, both of them too enmeshed in each other's lives from the start to pretend like they were mere ships passing in the night. It was easy with Sonny, even when it was hard. There were challenges: they juggled their schedules, the intensity of their work, their separate worlds. Amanda's edges were still softening and sometimes their perspectives clashed so intensely that she could have sworn he was from another planet. But it was progress, not perfection, and Amanda found herself happy to muddle through it all as long as he was, too. Being alone had never been better than whatever she and Sonny were now.

People at SVU knew they were together, but nobody talked about it - at least, not to their faces. Fin liked to make the occasional joke and Liv scrutinized them a little bit more, but on the job Amanda and Sonny behaved as co-workers. Nothing more, nothing less. Amanda had been in this situation before, of course, with Nick and Declan. Those relationships were physical and fleeting, though, and now Amanda found herself quietly attached to Sonny in more ways than one.

"No cheese in mine," Amanda requested sweetly as he watched him begin to assemble ingredients.

Sonny looked over at her blankly as if to say, "are you kidding me?"

"You're tryin' to make me fat. Winter's over."

He rolled his eyes and opened up the package anyway. "Hey, Jesse, y'want some cheese?" he called.

"Yes, please!" the little girl's voice shouted.

"Then you better get in here before your mother makes me throw it all away," Sonny told her with an amused smirk.

Amanda made a noise into her mug as Jesse scrambled into the adjoining kitchen, fast as her little legs would carry her. With a piece of cheese in his hand, Sonny crouched down to Jesse's level to offer it to her. Watching the two of them together, a smile tugged at Amanda's mouth again.

"What d'we say?" Sonny asked Jesse, giving the little girl a pointed look.

She was already shoving the cheese into her mouth and walking away, like she had better things to do. "Thank you, dada."

Amanda choked on her sip of coffee.

Sonny stood up straight again and turned to Amanda, his expression alarmed. "You hear what she just said?"

"How does she even know that word?" she whispered in response.

"I don't know, 'Manda! From her little friends in that yuppy 'mommy and me' yoga class you take her to?"

"First of all, it's not _yuppy_. Second of all, they're two and three years old. It's not like they gossip!"

Shaking his head, Sonny started cracking eggs into a bowl. "You gotta tell her."

"I'm going to, one day."

He looked over at her.

"She's too young, Sonny. She's not gonna get it."

"She gets somethin', Amanda. She's a smart kid."

"I know, but she's little..." Amanda glanced over to the living room. Jesse was making two plastic horses talk to one another in gibberish on the couch. "You're the only guy she's ever known."

She expected him to argue with her, but all Sonny said was, "yeah, I know."

* * *

"Whoa-ho, Rollins! Lookin' good!"

"Yeah, yeah. Save it, Fin. You do this to get back at me?" Amanda asked briskly as she walked into the squad room Friday night. She wasn't exactly dressed for work: she was in a simple yet revealing black dress and heels, her blonde hair in loose, textured waves around her face.

"You told me to call if I needed you!" Fin exclaimed with a laugh.

Glaring at him, she dropped down into her desk chair with her arms crossed over her chest. "That's just something people _say_ , Fin. I didn't actually want you to do it," she grumbled.

"I apologize to you and Carisi, from the bottom of my heart," he said dramatically, looking amused. "But with Liv on vacation till Monday, I need my partner."

She rolled her eyes. "Alright, Sarge. I'm listening."

"Jasmine Ortega, fifteen years old from Long Island. She went missing from Hudson University's Spring-Summer Preview program on her last day." He tossed a picture onto her desk. "It's one of those pre-college experience things for smart kids with money."

Amanda scrunched her nose as she studied the photo. "She looks like she's about twelve."

Fin continued, "I know, but she isn't. She hasn't been seen since last night. Her parents are on their way up to the city as we speak, they were at some kinda polo match in Rhode Island for the past week. Meanwhile, TARU got us access to her Facebook. Looks like she's been chatting hot n' heavy with some dude named Jasper Miller for about two months. They planned to meet up while she was in this program."

"Jasper's way too handsome. Definitely a catfish," she assessed easily as she clicked through the guy's bare-bones profile. "He also looks about twenty years older than her but says here he's seventeen." She leaned in closer so her eyes could continue to scan their chat log. "They were going to meet up at his place in Hell's Kitchen?"

"Yeah. Problem is, some unis went to that address and it was bogus. Some eighty five year old dude with dementia lives there. Thought he was gonna have a heart attack when the police started bustin' down the door."

"This Jasper guy... we know anything about him?" she sighed, already anticipating the answer.

"Nope, not even a parking ticket on record. TARU is figurin' out what they can from his profile. In the meantime, you and me are gonna take a trip to campus and ask around about Jasmine." He smirked as he added, "you may wanna change."

* * *

"Where the hell have you been? I almost turned on the scanner," Sonny asked her, opening his door for her at three in the morning.

"Talking to a bunch of drunk college students at Hudson," Amanda explained wearily. The second she was inside, she started peeling items off of her body: her purse, then her gun and badge. She was in a navy blue NYPD t-shirt that she had tossed on over the pair of jeans she always kept in her locker, her dress shoved into her handbag once it was evident that her Friday night was no longer her own.

"You hungry? You left right when dinner came," he offered.

"I'm starvin'." She kicked off her heels, which she had been walking around in all night. Gingerly, she set her sore, bare feet on the floor.

Sonny turned on the light in the kitchen and opened his fridge to pull out the to-go boxes he had brought home from the restaurant. He started transferring shrimp and vegetables into a real bowl before he put it in the microwave.

"We got some leads but we didn't find the girl. Fifteen, talking to some older guy online who said he was seventeen, you know the deal..." Amanda rubbed her forehead, thinking. "The parents are outta their minds. They had no idea she was talking to him. They didn't even know she had a Facebook, which seems kinda naive..." She continued to ramble, because as disgruntled as she had been earlier in the evening, she still loved the challenges her job presented. She hopped up onto the counter to sit on it, her legs dangling. "...hey, are you listening to me?"

"Nope," Sonny answered honestly, handing her the bowl and a fork. He gave her a tired smile and rested a warm palm on her knee. "Relax, Detective. It's three in the mornin'."

Admittedly hungry, Amanda took the food from him. He was right, but she wasn't going to say that out loud.

* * *

The sound of her phone ringing jerked her out of sleep. Bleary-eyed, Amanda felt around on the nightstand until her fingers found what she was looking for.

"If that's Fin again, I'm gonna kill him," she heard Sonny grumble into his pillow.

"It's not... it's 'unknown,'" Amanda said, eyeing the screen. It was eight o'clock in the morning, which meant she had gotten approximately three hours of rest.

"Don't pick it up."

She rolled onto her side, her back to Sonny, and propped herself up with her elbow. "It might be work. I'm picking it up."

"D'you purposefully always do the exact opposite of what I say?"

Rolling her eyes, she held the phone to her ear with her free hand. "Rollins."

The response was muffled and distant. She could hear what she thought was a man's voice somewhere within the static, and she was almost positive he said her name. Her brow furrowed as she tried her hardest to listen more closely.

"Hello?" she said, hoping to prompt a clearer response.

Whoever it was, they hung up abruptly. She glanced at the screen of her phone again before setting it back down on the bedside table and flopping onto her back, defeated.

"Well," Sonny sighed, rolling over to face her. He propped himself up on his side lazily, his free palm wandering to her bare stomach beneath the sheets. His smile was sly. "Now that we're both awake for no reason..."

His touch still gave her goosebumps. Like a moth drawn to a flame, she moved on to her side to face him, their bodies parallel. She tangled their legs. Arm outstretched against her pillow, she rested her cheek on her shoulder and let the fingers of her other hand push a stray strand of hair away from Sonny's forehead. There was stubble along his jaw line, making his young features appear just a bit rougher. She filled her lungs with air and exhaled, her muscles relaxing further into his lean, sturdy frame. She watched his eyes drift shut and used it as an opportunity to study his face.

"Sorry again, about last night," she said quietly, genuinely.

"Gotta do what you gotta do," he murmured, an arm snaking around her waist as if she could get any closer. He opened one eye to add with a little smirk, "you looked good in that dress, though."

* * *

"Jasmine has been missing for four days now," Liv announced to the squad room as she adjusted the wire snaking beneath the back of Amanda's shirt. The blonde detective stood still, twisting her hair up away from the nape of her neck as Liv worked. "But we finally have a lead: TARU figured out that this Jasper Miller's Facebook has been logged in several times from a nail salon in Chelsea."

"So I'm getting my nails done," Amanda added.

"Y'think Jasper's gonna be doing your manicure?" Fin asked skeptically from his desk.

" _No_. We think something shady is happenin' in that nail salon. Something bigger than just Jasmine," Amanda explained, letting her hair go and shaking it loose around her shoulders. "Neighbors have reported weird activity in the back alley, men coming and going even when the salon's closed. Jasper may just be the go-between for something."

"Fin, Carisi. Hang out in the van outside to keep eyes and ears out. I've gotta meet with Hudson and the parents again," Liv instructed before they dispersed.

Amanda wore a pair of glasses with a tiny, hidden camera in them, allowing Fin and Carisi to see what she did. Her outfit and hair were New York City cool; her understated look was intended to let people think she had so much money that she didn't need to flaunt it. If they were stumbling upon an illegal business, the key inside was almost always the illusion of assets.

Once inside the salon, Amanda drifted around the expansive wall of nail polish colors, fingers grazing the shelves discerningly.

"You're not really getting a manicure, 'Manda. Just pick a color," Sonny said in her ear.

She clenched her jaw to keep from saying something snarky in response - mostly because she would look crazy talking to herself. She took a bottle of natural pink polish in her hand and smirked when she read the name of the shade: _Not Just a Pretty Face._

An older Asian woman waved Amanda over to her station. She dropped down into the seat, purposefully wearing what her mother used to describe as her 'pageant smile.' Without prompting, Amanda put her hands out for the woman to assess. "Hi... Lin," she said brightly, reading her name tag.

The woman looked at her blankly. "What shape?"

"Round, and could you make them shorter?"

She began filing in silence.

"So, I'm actually not just here for a manicure," Amanda finally said, her voice low. She leaned in a little closer over the table. "Y'all know a Jasper Miller?"

Lin looked up from Amanda's nails. Her gaze shifted around the salon which, given the time of day, was empty except for one elderly customer. "You do business with him?" she finally spoke.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"This about the girls?"

Amanda's heart leapt in her chest and she nodded.

Lin set the nail file down. "He isn't here."

"Y'know where he is? Or when he's coming back?"

She shook her head. "No. They don't tell me those things." She looked anxiously around the room again. "His... associate is here."

"Let it go, Rollins. We want Jasper. We don't know what kind of crazy fool this 'associate' is," Fin said.

She was beginning to buzz with anticipation; she and Liv had suspected something more than manicures and pedicures was happening in that salon and now she was about to find out that maybe they were right. Eager as always, she ignored Fin. "Can I talk to him?" Amanda asked Lin sweetly. "It'll only take a second."

"You police?"

"C'mon, do I look like police, Lin?" she whispered, feigning her best look of disbelief for her new friend.

"Come with me."

"Amanda, what the hell are you doin'?" Fin asked her.

Amanda obediently followed Lin through the salon, eyes scanning the interior as they walked. Lin pulled open a door by a row a sinks, leading them into a narrow, winding hallway. They passed a small room with the door open, empty except for a table, a microwave and shelves with what looked like the belongings of the other nail technicians. It all seemed suspiciously normal.

Lin stopped them outside of another door. "You stay here," she firmly instructed Amanda before disappearing behind it.

"Relax, guys. I think I'm on to something," she mumbled to Fin and Sonny as she waited.

The door eventually creaked open and Lin reappeared. "He'll see you," she murmured before shouldering past Amanda and disappearing back down the hallway.

Amanda's heartbeat began to quicken as she slipped into the room. It was clearly an old storage closet that had been turned into a makeshift office. A man had his feet up on the surface of the desk, appearing placid.

Then again, that was always how Declan Murphy looked.


	2. Chapter 2

"You want to tell me what SVU is doing interfering with a VICE operation?" Declan demanded.

"You wanna tell me what you're doing in the United States?" Amanda retorted.

"Okay, okay, guys. Settle down, please," Liv pleaded. She stood between them, arms outstretched like she was a parent trying to referee two bickering siblings.

Fin and Carisi stood silently, awkwardly, in the squad room as they watched the aftermath of Amanda's discovery play out. The uniformed officers, clerks and other staff pretended to go about their business amid the outburst.

"Rollins, Lieutenant: my office, now," Liv ordered before stalking off.

Glaring at Declan, Amanda followed her boss. She was in shock from discovering Declan; aside from a few text messages, they hadn't spoken in two years. She was angry, too, that he didn't tell her he was coming home and that she had to figure it out this way. Truthfully, she rarely thought of him these days, but encountering him behind that desk was like seeing a ghost. Despite the time that had passed, he looked as he always did: rugged, wise, confident.

The pair stood in front of Liv, who shut the door behind them and began to pace the room, clearly annoyed.

"First of all, let me be clear: this isn't _Days of Our Lives_ , so whatever is going on between you two outside of this investigation, I'm not interested," Liv began curtly. "Lieutenant Murphy, Rollins is working a case looking for a fifteen year old girl who went missing a few days ago. She was talking online to a man named Jasper Miller before she fell off the face of the earth. TARU traced his Facebook log-ins to that nail salon." She perched herself on the edge of her desk and looked at Declan expectantly. "Your turn."

Without hesitation, Declan explained himself in his pressured way, "I only met Jasper two days ago. VICE believes that he is part of a larger sex trafficking ring. He's transporting these girls across state lines and using the nail salon as a headquarters of sorts - think 'A Foreign Affair' but within the U.S. Men from all over the country are paying to be 'matched' with young girls; Jasper and his crew are just brokering them. Jasper gets paid to lure the girls in via the internet, pretending to be a charming seventeen year old wanting to show them around the city. Once he's got one, they have me give them a once-over in that office, then he takes them away and I don't see them again." He looked between Liv and Amanda. "To them, I'm a dirty ex-cop, but they don't trust me enough yet to tell me all the details. They think I'm keeping NYPD off their back with bribes along with threatening the salon employees' immigration status. I'm tossing the ladies there a little extra cash now and then, too. Jasper's a piece of crap, but it's his boss, Kenneth Ye, that we want. That's really why I'm there. He's the mastermind behind all of this."

"You see this girl?" Liv asked, handing Declan Jasmine's picture.

Declan studied it then shook his head and handed the photo back. "I haven't seen her, but I'll bet everything that he has her. He prides himself on having the youngest ones in the game." He exhaled. "Look, Lieutenant. With all due respect, VICE is all over this. We've been watching Ye for months now." He paused thoughtfully. "But... maybe we should join forces here. I'm vying for their trust, trying to get Jasper to bring me along when he transports a girl - and hopefully stumble across the big boss while I'm at it. They want somebody in that office, though. Somebody monitoring the dark web and requests, making sure the salon doesn't talk. So I need an undercover, somebody they won't know..."

Amanda could see the gears in Liv's head turning as she contemplated Declan's offer. Finally, Liv responded, "what about Carisi?"

Amanda's eyes widened in surprise as she looked back and forth between the two lieutenants.

"Fine, I'll take him. He's sharp and he was pretty convincing last time I saw him undercover," Declan agreed firmly.

"You mean when you pistol whipped him?" Amanda blurted, unable to remain quiet any longer.

"Rollins, we're done here, thank you," Liv immediately interjected, giving her head a little nod toward the door.

She bit the inside of her cheek. Liv had been a witness to so much of her drama: several months ago she had saved her, yet again, when consequences of her gambling addiction resurfaced and threatened Amanda's reputation and status with NYPD. After all was said and done, the detective found herself embarrassed, humbled and desperate to regain Liv's respect. Knowing that her impulsiveness and sharp tongue sometimes got her in trouble, in that terse moment Amanda opted to do as her lieutenant instructed instead of digging her heels in.

"Copy that, Lieutenant," Amanda murmured sheepishly before slipping out of the office.

* * *

"Detective, I need to talk to you." Declan hovered over Amanda's desk after spending an hour privately talking to Liv.

She looked up at him through her bangs, then cast her gaze around the busy squad room. Now Carisi was in Liv's office and Fin was occupied on the phone, but she and Declan still had an audience. Why did all of her dirty laundry always have to come out at work?

Declan waved her into the bunk room and went inside without waiting for her. She sat motionless for a moment and caught Fin's gaze at the desk across from her. She couldn't read his expression, although she wasn't even sure what she was really looking for.

Slowly, she made her way to where Declan was. Amanda had no idea what to expect - she was still processing the fact that he was _back._ When she finally stood in front of him in the dingy excuse for a dorm, she crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

"I am so sorry that this happened this way," Declan told her the moment the door shut. "I called you a few days ago from Heathrow but the reception was terrible-"

"That was you?" she interrupted.

"Yeah, that was me, darlin'," he said eagerly. "I heard you but the call dropped and I had to board. I wanted to let you know I was coming back, before all this."

"Oh." She shifted in her spot. He was searching her face with a kind of intensity that was making her uncomfortable.

"You look great, Amanda," he observed with a small, kind smile.

"Thanks," she replied, tucking her hair behind her ears.

They eyed one another in silence, her gaze unfaltering but her mind racing.

"I want to see my daughter," Declan finally said.

The words fell heavily between them; Amanda felt the color drain from her cheeks. "It's been two years, Declan. Suddenly now you're interested?"

"I know how long its been. I've always been interested."

"Oh yeah, interested all the way in eastern Europe?" she quipped, an edge of sarcasm to her voice. "You and I both know you weren't going to give up your life's work to be a dad. I told you: you don't owe us anything."

"Why don't you let me try now?"

She shook her head. "It's not that easy. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

"Are you seeing someone?"

"What does that have to do with this?" Amanda bridled.

"You don't want to tell me, that's fine. But I've been thinking a lot about this and I want to see Jesse," Declan reasserted.

"Okay, okay. Just... let me think about this, please?" Amanda pleaded hurriedly, not at all prepared to have this conversation and wanting any opportunity to leave that little room. His abrupt desire to see Jesse was making her incredibly nervous; foolishly she never thought this day would come. She offered him a small, weak smile in hopes of keeping the conversation civil. "It's been two hours since you've been back and this isn't really the best place to talk. Let's not do this here. Please."

His eyes narrowed as he stared at her; he knew she was stalling. "Fine. But I promise you, I'm not gonna let this go, Amanda," Declan told her firmly before storming out of the room, the heavy door slamming behind him.

* * *

Amanda scrubbed the kitchen sink after dinner. There was something therapeutic about cleaning, the way it only took a little work to make something shiny and new again. Frannie was lingering by her feet in one last attempt at coming across a fallen scrap of food, her tail wagging in anticipation.

It had been an uneventful night. Sonny had come over after they had eaten and was in her living room watching baseball with Jesse. Truthfully, although her body was in her apartment, Amanda's mind was elsewhere as she polished the stainless steal until it gleamed. She hadn't talked to Sonny about Declan's request. They had all been so preoccupied with investigating new information about Jasmine's possible whereabouts that there hadn't been time to rehash the interaction. Amanda was left unsettled and anxious and couldn't pinpoint why. Declan was Jesse's father, there was no denying that. He was a good police officer, a good man. He could be arrogant and intense, but he could be thoughtful and gentle, too. Amanda had needed all of that once - or she thought she had.

Finally satisfied with her clean-up, she shut off the light and turned around to look into the adjoining living room. "What's the sc-" she began to ask, then stopped.

The Mets game was still on, but nobody was watching. Sonny was stretched out on his back on the couch, eyes closed and limbs slack. Jesse was nestled between the cushions and his side, her head on his chest, thumb in her mouth as she slept. A tightness crept into Amanda's throat, suddenly knowing very well that she was looking at the precise reason why she was selfishly inclined to keep Declan out of Jesse's life.

Quietly, she moved into the living room. She crouched down by the couch, setting a careful hand atop of Sonny's, which was resting on Jesse's back.

"Hey, sleeping beauties," Amanda whispered playfully with a smile.

"I'm awake, I'm just restin' my eyes," Sonny mumbled almost immediately, blinking his eyes open.

"Uh huh," she said skeptically, voice still quiet. "Put her to bed?" she asked him eventually, her thumb running gently over his knuckles.

He nodded and carefully sat up to carry off a still-sleeping Jesse. Amanda took his warm spot on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her as she watched Sonny through the French doors of Jesse's room. When he reemerged, he sat beside her, yawning.

"I should head back to my place tonight, I've gotta be in early tomorrow to meet with VICE," Sonny told her, rubbing roughly at his eyes.

"I know."

He looked at her like he was waiting for her to say something else, something more. She hated when he did that, mostly because he was typically right.

"Declan wants to see Jesse," Amanda said.

"She's his kid. I knew it'd happen eventually," Sonny replied almost a little too casually for her liking.

"I didn't," she admitted.

There were a few minutes of silence before Sonny's brows knitted together. He tilted his head, as if he was concentrating on reading her expression. "What's the matter?" he asked her.

It was still Amanda's reflex to say 'nothing' or 'never mind' to any question that prodded at her emotions. It had taken a lot of practice to resist that urge and sometimes her efforts were futile. She picked at a stray thread from the seam of one of the cushions, weighing her options before she looked up at him again. "I kinda like things the way they are," she answered him almost timidly, unable to muster the courage to be more specific.

His gaze flitted away from hers, to something behind her. "She's gonna get confused."

Sonny's logic stung. Not because she disagreed, but because for just a moment, Amanda wanted him to assure her that nothing would change.

* * *

"You up for a beer, 'Manda?" Fin asked her at the end of their shift.

"That depends: you buyin'?" Amanda replied with a mischievous smile as she collected her belongings from her desk.

He rolled his eyes good-naturedly at his partner. "I guess so."

"Then I'm in."

They leisurely walked to Ashton's together. It was still light out despite the hour; this was Amanda's favorite time to live in New York City because it was as if everybody sharing the sidewalk with them was emerging from hibernation. Once inside the pub, they were greeted by a familiar server when they claimed their seats at the bar. The squad was at Ashton's in some capacity at least once a week, sometimes just to have a place to hang out other than the precinct when they were trying to work details of an investigation out.

"Carisi's pretty deep undercover, huh? When do y'think we're gonna be able to make a move?" Fin asked before taking a swig of his beer.

She shrugged. "I dunno. It's been a week since Jasper said he'd bring Ye in to vet Murphy, I guess to see if he trusts him enough to go on those transports. But it hasn't happened yet." She took a sip of her beer. "I just hope it happens soon. I can't stand the thought of all those girls being bought and sold right under our nose. Carisi says they look younger everyday."

"I can imagine," Fin said with a shake of his head.

"The only reason we're waiting is because VICE wants Ye. If it were up to me, I'd get this Jasper guy now."

"He's a small fish in a big pond, Amanda. Ye's the source and it sounds like they may be close. Who knows how many missing girls he's got. Jasper's a scumbag but we can't act on impulse."

She gave Fin a small, impish smile. "I guess that's why I'm not C.O."

Fin picked at the small bowl of nuts placed between them. "You and Declan work anythin' out about Jesse?"

"No..."

"Why not?"

"I'm just... being cautious. He could be leaving again, I dunno."

"You're lyin' to me."

Amanda gave him an incredulous look.

"You and Carisi are playin' house. Have been for two years. Now it's time to face reality."

She picked at the label on her beer bottle, embarrassed.

"Let him see her, Amanda. Y'know it's the right thing to do," Fin said, his tone gentler. "He deserves a shot at bein' a dad."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"You told him to go away undercover. Liv had to beg you to even let him know when Jesse was born. You haven't accepted a dime-"

"I don't need his money, Fin."

"Amanda, I say this with love," Fin began, gripping her forearm to keep her attention. "But, get over yourself. Bein' a parent is about puttin' your kid's needs before your own. And Jesse needs this."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** More this weekend!

* * *

The squad room was quiet except for a social worker and uniformed officer finishing up for the day. Amanda sat at her desk, typing up reports that had fallen to the bottom of her 'to-do' list given her preoccupation with the Jasmine Ortega case. As her fingers flew over her keyboard, a notification of a FaceTime call from her mother popped up in the corner of the screen.

She rolled her eyes, annoyed. Amanda tried to limit contact with her, mostly because she successfully pushed every single one of Amanda's buttons. She never wanted a cigarette and a hand of cards more than when her mother was trying to weasel her way under her skin. Beth Anne Rollins was superficial, overbearing, selfish... but it had been months since Amanda had last talked to her, which surprisingly had her feeling just the tiniest bit guilty that evening.

She looked around the room cautiously before accepting the request. Beth Anne's face appeared on the screen, sipping what Amanda was sure to be a gin and tonic. Her hair was done and a pearl necklace hung around her neck. Amanda minimized the window to a small square, hoping to multitask.

"Hey, mama," she said, resuming her typing.

"Amanda, would it kill you to put a little make up on?" Beth Anne asked, her tone pleading.

"Yeah, it would," Amanda responded dryly.

"How's my grand-baby doin'? And Kimberly?"

"They're both doing great."

"And you?"

"I'm fine."

"Kim says Declan is there," Beth Anne said eagerly, like a teenager relaying especially juicy gossip.

"Did she?" Amanda didn't sound surprised because she wasn't.

"Mhm. She picks up her phone, unlike you. But let me give you some advice, mother to mother. When your father left-"

"Don't talk about daddy," Amanda interrupted, her gaze moving from the document she was working on so she could look directly at her mother.

"All these years and you still got a blind spot for that man."

"You're the queen of blind spots, mom."

"Oh, Amanda," her mother sighed dramatically. "I'm trying to be _helpful._ "

"Well... don't," she replied with a pained smile.

Her mother took a sip of her drink and rolled her eyes. "Alright, do it your way, Amanda. You always have."

* * *

They agreed to meet at the park.

Amanda went early that afternoon, allowing Jesse to run around for a little while before Declan arrived. By the time she spotted the lieutenant through the dark lenses of her sunglasses, Jesse was covered in dirt - and very pleased with herself.

Declan approached as Jesse was beginning to climb the steps to the slide for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was amazing how much energy such a little human possessed. Amanda kept her daughter in her peripheral vision as she greeted Declan with her arms crossed over her chest. She was anxious and oddly defensive but offered him a small smile anyway. "Hi."

"Hey," he said, his gaze drifting around the busy playground. It dawned on her that he didn't know what Jesse looked like now; she had only ever sent him occasional baby photos in the beginning.

"Jesse," Amanda called. "Come here, please."

The little girl turned around mid-crawl and obediently made her wobbly descent. By her mother's side again, Amanda crouched down to her daughter's level and Declan followed suit.

"Say hi," Amanda prompted Jesse.

Jesse studied Declan. She remained silent and inched closer to her mother, her curious eyes still on the strange man.

"Hi, Jesse. You sure are beautiful," Declan said. There was a softness in his voice that Amanda had never heard before.

"Jesse, this is your dad. Can you say hi?" Amanda explained slowly. The words felt foreign and forced.

The little girl turned into Amanda, hiding her face against her body.

Amanda put her arms around her daughter to pick her up, standing straight again. Jesse kept her face buried in the crook of Amanda's neck. "C'mon, baby girl. Since when are you shy?" she said lightly, hoping her tone of voice would relax her.

"Can I have a hug, Jesse?" Declan asked her gently.

Jesse shook her head and clung so tightly to Amanda it was almost painful.

"Okay, okay. Maybe later," Amanda resigned with a little sigh, shifting Jesse against her hip. She looked at Declan, who appeared hurt.

"Didn't you ever show her my picture? Anything?" Declan asked quietly.

She felt a twinge of guilt. "Well, no..."

"C'mon, Amanda-"

"Look, Declan. I never thought I'd see you again. So what does it matter?" she interrupted defensively.

"It matters because I'm her father."

"You're her father _now_ , Declan. Because it fits into your schedule." There were so many other things she wanted to say, but she stopped herself. The entire interaction was beginning to feel like an episode on one of the reality shows she watched; she didn't want to make a scene about this in front of all the other mothers and nannies lingering in the playground. Plus, there was a part of her who understood that this wasn't easy for him, either. Amanda continued quietly, "you know that this is going to take time."

He locked his eyes onto hers, whatever softness he had possessed earlier gone. "I have time."

* * *

Amanda had fallen asleep to the sound of rain against her window. A twelve hour day had her limbs leaden and head hazy from the moment her body made its way beneath her sheets. There were some nights that Amanda's overactive mind kept her awake till the sun came up, but being on Jasmine's case meant she didn't have any mental energy left to go over trivial worries in the dark. Jasmine's despondent parents reminded her every moment they could that their problem was much worse than any of hers. Through out the day Amanda thought of her own daughter, how she would feel like her beating heart was being ripped out of her chest if Jesse ever went missing. She carried that uncomfortable reminder with her during countless interviews and hours of research, letting it drive her to do all she could for the lost little girl.

She had only seen Sonny in the squad room during fleeting moments between his undercover job. That was the nature the work: it overwhelmed one's real life in the hopes that it would make the charade seem all the more convincing. Amanda kept her distance accordingly, hoping to continue to send the message that their personal relationship had no impact on the professional. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the urge to prove herself as capable; a good job was never quite good enough for Amanda Rollins. Even so, she noticed Sonny's absence while she worked the case alongside others.

He had texted her earlier that day to ask if he could come over; instead of spending a few free hours alone at his place, he could spend them with her. Amanda agreed but ultimately failed to stay awake to wait up for him. She had tried - until she passed out on her couch and awoke to Frannie licking her face, a definite sign that she had need to get herself to bed.

Amanda eventually heard the creak of footsteps on her wood floor. Slowly, she drifted from sleep to almost-awake but didn't move from her position on her side. In the darkness of her room, she saw Sonny with Frannie at his feet. Her eyes felt too heavy to keep them open for long; his familiar frame slid in and out of focus as he pulled off layers of clothing. She felt her bed shift with the addition of his weight, heard him exhale when his body sunk down into the mattress. They laid motionless, in silence, the only noise the storm outside and the sticky sound of tires on the pavement below.

She was just about to give into her exhaustion again when she felt Sonny's arm move around her, his chest against her back. He smelled like the rain and the familiar scent of his cologne.

"Rollins?" she heard Sonny say quietly. He sounded tired.

She smiled sleepily. He never called her that outside of work anymore. "Mm?"

"Missed ya."

Everything felt soft and warm. "Missed you."


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Here are a few chapters to hold ya over before I'm away on vacation. Stay tuned for more at the end of next week!

* * *

Amanda watched Declan push Jesse on the swings on a sunny spring Tuesday. The little girl was still hesitant and shy, but none of that seemed to matter as she flew back and forth through the air that afternoon.

"Thanks for meeting me," Declan said to Amanda.

She gave a little nod of acknowledgement. It was her lunch hour and the only time Declan could get away. Thankfully, Jesse could always be convinced to go to the park and poor Audrey was grateful for a midday break. "I know you're busy with this case."

"Hopefully it'll be over soon."

"Mm." For once, Amanda didn't really feel like discussing work.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

He took his eyes off Jesse and looked at Amanda. "You and Carisi, you guys together?"

"We've... been seeing a lot of one another lately, yeah," Amanda responded vaguely.

"And Jesse?"

"Jesse's way too young to date," she responded lightly in an attempt to make a joke.

"Amanda," Declan said sternly, clearly not interested in her version of humor.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Jesse is there sometimes. What's the point of this interrogation, Lieutenant?"

"I'd just like to know who my daughter is hanging around."

"Would you like a detailed list from the past two years?"

Declan didn't reply and his gaze shifted back to the little girl.

Amanda studied the sand at her feet. She wished she thought more before she spoke. She wasn't being fair, treating Declan this way. Her old walls were up, guarding her from the tenuous unknown, but it was only making the situation more uncomfortable.

"Declan..." she began, stepping closer to him. "Things were really hard for awhile. But they're better now. They're good now." She didn't want to get into details about her past struggles; he could probably guess what they were related to, anyway. She put a careful hand on Declan's arm as she admitted, "I just want them to stay good."

Declan eyed her in silence for a moment, but to Amanda's relief, simply nodded in understanding.

"Can I ask _you_ something?" Amanda said.

"Sure you can."

"You ever gonna come out from under?" she asked curiously, head tilted slightly.

He kept watching Jesse, who was still delightfully swinging. "It suits me."

"Sex trafficking?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No. Infiltrating. Playing the bad guys' game then turning it around on them."

"It seems exhausting."

Declan gave her a knowing look. "You know what they say: what doesn't kill you-"

"-makes you a better detective," Amanda finished his familiar sentence with a small smile.

* * *

"'Scuse me? Could I talk to a detective?"

Fin was mid-bite of his lo mein when a young woman wandered into the bustling SVU squad room. Amanda was tapping away on her laptop at her desk, researching recent cases involving missing girls in the tri-state area. She was so lost in her cyber investigation that she was only half-listening to what was going on around her.

"Detective Rollins, this young lady needs assistance," she heard Fin say.

"And why can't you assist her, exactly?" she asked distractedly, eyes still glued to her computer screen like she was hypnotized.

"I'm delegating," Fin explained, his smirk even evident in his voice. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him motioning for a woman to sit in the chair by her desk. "This is Nicole McCray."

Amanda finally looked up and smiled politely at the brunette. Nicole was young, maybe in her early thirties. She looked anxious. Amanda shut the cover of her laptop in the interest of giving Nicole her full attention. "Hi, what can I help you with, Ms. McCray?"

Nicole shifted in her seat. "That missing girl..."

"We've got a few missing girls unfort-"

"Jasmine, is her name," Nicole clarified quickly.

"Jasmine Ortega," Amanda said, interest piqued. "Okay, what about her?"

"I live in Chelsea. Police were in our complex a couple weeks ago, asking about the alley behind the building."

"You live at one-fifteen West twenty third street?" the detective asked curiously before something occurred to her. "Wait, didn't I interview you?"

Nicole nodded. "You and another woman, you were asking everybody if they had seen or heard anything, and I said 'no.'"

Amanda looked at her expectantly.

"Last night, my boyfriend and I had all the windows open because it was so warm. It's too early for air conditioning," Nicole continued hastily. "Well, we're only three floors up, so we hear everything outside when we do that. Somebody was having a very loud cell phone conversation in the alley last night. A man. I heard him say Jasmine's name and... "

"And?" Amanda prompted eagerly.

Nicole took a deep breath. "I don't know what any of it means. Something about... they are bringing her back, from where ever she is. With others? He said something about 'a special order' Friday night. But that's all I heard, he went back inside after a few minutes."


	5. Chapter 5

Sonny paced the squad room, irate. "This is getting outta control, Lieutenant. Jasmine is all over the news, makin' SVU out to be total jackasses just so VICE can eventually come out looking-"

"Alright, Carisi. Settle down," Liv demanded wearily from her spot sitting on the edge of Amanda's desk. She went on to explain carefully, "Rollins has information that they could be bringing Jasmine back to the city one of these days."

"What? How? We haven't heard anything. If Murphy has, he hasn't shared it with me. I swear to you, he's so deep into this thing it's like we're on different sides," Sonny exclaimed. He approached Liv, his hands moving as he spoke. "We could have done this without him. We could have found Jasmine on our own by now!"

Liv stood up. Her tone was gentle, maternal. "We need to work together with VICE on this. They have more information about this operation than we do; they've been inside of it longer. It's bigger than just Jasmine."

Sonny shook his head dismissively."Y'know, I think it's pretty ridiculous that this guy can come waltzin' in here, thinking he can just take over. _You're_ our C.O. Who the hell does Murphy think he is?"

Cringing inwardly, Amanda dropped her gaze down to her desk. Sonny rarely raised his voice, only when he felt particularly passionate about something or like he was witnessing a grave injustice. In that moment, he had the entire squad room's attention.

"Carisi, you're out of line. Go take a walk and cool off," Liv told him firmly.

"But-" he began to protest.

"That's an order, Carisi," Liv barked.

He glared at her before walking away, roughly punching the the elevator button with his thumb before disappearing behind the sliding doors. Amanda's impulse was to follow him, but she knew better than that.

She chewed the inside of her bottom lip and Liv cleared her throat before asking the blonde detective, "Rollins, how reliable is this witness?"

"Nicole McCray, thirty-three years old, originally from Princeton, New Jersey. She owns her own... calligraphy business? Something with stationary and invitations. She's got a couple of parking tickets but that seems to be it. Husband is Robert McCray and he's an accountant. Also from Princeton," Amanda recited obediently from her notes. "They've lived in that building for three years. They've got the perfect view of the salon's back door from their living room window."

Liv appeared thoughtful. "Come the end of this week, NYPD may be making themselves comfortable on the McCray's couch."

* * *

Inside of her apartment, her back was pressed against the door, his hands and mouth all over her.

"We only have forty-five minutes till Audrey comes back. And you've gotta get back to Chelsea," she reminded Sonny. Amanda leaned her head to the side to accommodate his lips there, her eyes fluttering closed to enjoy the sensation. They were supposed to be picking up paperwork that Amanda had forgotten in her apartment before she dropped him back off near his undercover location.

That was before he had followed her just a little too closely down the hallway. Gasping for breath, she was trying to snatch air from around his mouth without there being any suggestion that she would stop. She nipped at his lips, the act punctuated with little huffs of laughter. It was like when she would break out of kisses early so that he had to chase her down: all of it was just the right edge of playful. The flush standing out all over her face and neck was an indicator that she was burning up from the inside, feverish and frenzied. She pushed up against Sonny's greedy, possessive palms, the arch in her back making it slightly easier for him to touch her.

As caught up as Amanda was, there was one nagging question rattling around in her head, somehow surviving the haze of lust. "Hey, what was that all about with Liv this mornin'?" she panted between kisses.

He paused, clearly unprepared for her question. "Do we really have to talk about this _right now_?" Sonny groaned against her mouth. He glanced at his watch. "Now we've only got... forty-two minutes."

He had a point. She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, like she was trying to shift misaligned pieces back into their rightful places. Her hands reached for his belt buckle.

* * *

"That was nothin', between me and Liv today." Sonny broke the comfortable silence in the car ride to Chelsea.

Amanda cast a glance over at him from the driver's seat as they sat in traffic, an eyebrow quirked. "You and Murphy... y'all not getting along?"

He gave her a pointed look.

"I know he can be-"

"An arrogant bully? Yeah, he can be that," he finished her sentence brusquely. He looked out the window before adding, "I just don't think he should be able to drop in from who-the-hell-knows-where and be in charge."

"That's sorta his thing."

"Well, it doesn't work for me. He doesn't just get to reappear and change shit around."

"He means well-"

"You defendin' him now?" It was less of a question, more of an accusation.

Amanda flexed her grip around the steering wheel and tried to keep her voice steady. "No, I just know him better-"

"Yeah, I know how well you know him, Amanda." There was a sharp finality to Sonny's tone that indicated to Amanda that the conversation was over, at least for him. That was until she heard him mumble under his breath, "as well as you knew Amaro."

"What did you just say?" Amanda demanded, hoping she misheard.

Sonny kept his gaze focused out the window. She watched his jaw muscle twitch.

Amanda could feel color rising in her cheeks as her stomach twisted into a knot of surprise. She wasn't stupid - she knew something more was going on than just Sonny's criticism of Declan's leadership style - but he had picked at an old wound instead of speaking plainly. His comment was purposefully inflammatory; he knew her well enough that he had figured out what got under her thick skin. For the first time, he was using her past against her.

As seconds passed, her hurt quickly morphed into anger. Impulsively, she abruptly jerked the steering wheel to the right, swerving across two lanes of traffic to get to the curb. She barely heard the chorus of beeps and loud cursing from the drivers around her.

"Shit, Rollins, you tryin' to get us killed?" Sonny exclaimed.

"Get out," she spat, putting the car in 'park.'

"Are you kiddin' me?" he asked with an exasperated chuckle, looking around in disbelief.

She turned in her seat and glared at him. "Do I look like I'm kidding? Get out!" she shouted.

Sonny opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but quickly closed it. Without another word, he got out of the car and slammed the door behind him, leaving Amanda alone.

* * *

Amanda's phone vibrated atop her kitchen counter.

She was standing by the refrigerator, picking at leftover Thai food with her fork. It was late but she was awake and hungry. Her eyes flickered to the screen of her phone to see Sonny's name. After a moment of consideration, she set down the take-out box and pushed the red icon, hanging up on him. If he wanted to be passive-aggressive, two could play at that game. She couldn't believe that she was behaving this way in her thirties, but for a second it felt powerful to ignore him. Just for a second, though. As the screen darkened again, she was sad.

Kicking Sonny out of the squad car that afternoon hadn't been her proudest moment, but it certainly hadn't been his, either. It came down to this: Amanda didn't want to know that what they had was tainted with her past missteps, just like so many other things in her life. It made her worry that maybe Sonny was harboring more judgement against her than she realized. She thought of all the arguments she and Nick had gotten into, how they would claw at old wounds until somebody gave up. Their chaos had jaded Amanda, but it hadn't _hurt_ her. So why, then, did Sonny's small remark feel like she had been punched in the stomach?

Her phone lit up again, this time to indicate that she had a voicemail. She debated deleting it without listening to it, almost afraid of what she might hear. Instead, she pressed 'play' on speakerphone, like holding it to her ear would mean she couldn't escape from it fast enough if she needed to. Sonny's voice filled the kitchen:

" _Hey, 'Manda. It's me. I know it's late. You're probably asleep. But ah, I wanted to call and apologize for what I said earlier today. That was, uh... dumb. It was dumb. For whatever it's worth: I didn't mean it. Hope you know that. Alright, well... tell Jesse and Frannie I say 'hi.' Okay? Bye._ "

He sounded tired and sheepish. Amanda picked her phone up off of the counter top, her thumb hovering over his name in her contact list. Then, with a little shake of her head, she abandoned the device in the kitchen and walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

The next evening, things changed quickly: Liv and Declan determined that they had enough information to organize a stake-out around the nail salon. A group of girls were due to arrive at nine o'clock, Jasmine included, for a "special request." They would be accompanied by Jasper and finally, his boss Kenneth Ye. Declan and Sonny would arrange their delivery to the customers that night - or at least pretend to, until NYPD stepped in.

Wearing her bullet proof vest over a blue plaid shirt, Amanda sat in the darkness of the surveillance van with Fin and two other officers. They were parked around the corner from the salon, while Liv and VICE were in undercover squad cars across the street. ESU had taken over the McCray's apartment to have eyes on the back alley, as well as the building next store.

"Man, I'm hungry," Fin grumbled.

"Me too. I'd kill for an egg roll." Amanda took a sip of her third coffee of the evening.

"Y'think Golden City would deliver to the van?"

Amanda rolled her eyes with an amused grin. "Yeah, 'cause that wouldn't look suspicious."

She watched one of the screens in front of them; Declan had planted a camera in an old picture frame in the makeshift office. There was no sound, but in black and white all the officers involved could watch their activity. So far, it had been painfully uneventful. Amanda could see Sonny and Declan talking and was curious about their discussion, trying to read their body language for clues. She had neglected to call Sonny back the night before; she figured she would deal with it after the sting was complete.

"How you guys doing over there?" Liv's voice came through the radio.

"Hungry," Fin answered.

"They're late," Amanda responded to her lieutenant, noting that it was now ten minutes after nine.

"Fashionably," Liv quipped in return. "Hang tight."

"Activity in the alley: two males. One, two... three... four... four girls. Entering through the back door," a male voice crackled through their ear pieces, as if on cue.

"Here we go," Fin said, clasping his hands together excitedly and leaning closer to the screen.

Amanda saw two males and four girls enter the small office. Her heartbeat was quickening in anticipation, ready for the moment when they could rush in and put a stop to it all. The girls were against the wall in a line-up as the four men appeared to talk. Amanda squinted, trying to see faces.

"That's her. There she is!" she said when she identified Jasmine. From what Amanda could see, she was dressed up in a too-tight dress and heels, which somehow made her appear even younger than she actually was. That was probably the idea. All of the girls were upright and alert, which was a relief, but Amanda could only imagine what hell they had been through before they had arrived.

The screen went dark suddenly.

"What happened?" Amanda asked, looking around to the other officers behind her who appeared just as confused as she did.

"Don't tell me we lost the signal," Fin groaned.

"They must have figured it out. They must have found the camera," Liv said. "Damnit."

"Shit," Amanda breathed.

Liv replied quickly, "We're just going to have to go in blind now-"

She was interrupted by the distinct sound of gun fire coming across the radio. One shot, then another. "Let's move guys, let's go!" she heard Liv yell breathlessly, clearly already beginning to sprint across the street toward the salon.

Without hesitation, she and Fin burst out of the van. They ran around the corner, pushing past any pedestrians to get to the nail salon. In the minutes it took them to get there, the area was flooded with all of the police who had been hiding, waiting. The front door was destroyed, uniformed officers and members of ESU crowded around the entrance. People passing by were lingering, curious, even though they were kept at distance. The press would be there soon - nothing thrilled them more than NYPD-related chaos.

VICE was moving past them in the opposite direction, holding tight to the young girls who had been inside, rushing them away from the salon to safety.

"Where's Jas-" Amanda began to demand frantically of a VICE officer as she watched one, two, three girls get quickly escorted out.

"We need a bus!" Liv's voice came from inside, heard above all the chaos.

Amanda's heart dropped to her stomach; it had been Jasmine who had been shot. Furious, she pushed past ESU to enter the salon. Chairs and tables were askew and doors were off their hinges due to the violent nature of ESU's entry, left like some kind of terrible obstacle course for her to navigate.

"Keep Rollins back! Don't let Amanda in here!" Amanda heard Liv shout to the other officers from down the hidden, narrow hallway. There was a desperate kind of strain in her voice that Amanda wasn't used to hearing.

But she was already inside. Soon she was shoving past her VICE and ESU colleagues that crowded the congested space; they didn't really know her, so they didn't stop her. Amanda wasn't sure why Liv was trying to keep her out of the scene - this was her case - but she found herself angry that her Lieutenant was excluding her.

When she reached the end of the hallway, Liv was in the small doorway of the office, bright red blood on her palms. Behind her, Amanda could see VICE taking two men out the back door amid the flurry of police. Within seconds, EMTs were entering from the alley and dropping to the floor to help who Amanda presumed was an injured Jasmine.

"Amanda, I need you to go back outside-" Liv told her, her body blocking the entrance.

She tried to push forward but Liv wouldn't move. "Liv, this is my-"

"You can't be in here," Liv said, her tone pleading before calling to any officer who would listen, "get her out of here!"

Increasingly irate and confused as seconds passed, Amanda defiantly angled her body past her lieutenant. Inside the office, her eyes immediately went to the floor. She expected to see Jasmine, but instead it was clearly a male who was laying amid the circle of frantic paramedics. His shirt was stained red, his body unmoving except for the EMTs roughly jostling him to attach tubes and oxygen. She caught snatches of their exchanges over his incapacitated form: _crashing... oxygen saturation is plummeting... in shock..._ They were working with the kind of urgency that indicated there was no time to spare.

Amanda's blood turned to ice in her veins when she realized that it was Sonny's life they were trying to save.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Surprise! Got more edited than I thought I would before I head out of town. As always, feedback is appreciated!

* * *

Fin swept in.

Some part of Amanda knew her partner was pulling her away, his larger frame shielding hers as he moved her back down the hallway with a gentle kind of haste. Some part of her knew that he was coaxing her into a black squad car, red and blue lights flashing and siren wailing as he expertly sped through city traffic toward Bellevue. Some part of her knew it all - but she couldn't feel it. Everything was static and echoes, her limbs moving thoughtlessly and her features stoic.

The main waiting area of the hospital was crawling with NYPD; between an injured officer and the discovery of young, kidnapped girls who needed immediate medical attention, everyone wanted to be there for the outcome. Amanda moved through the throngs of people, vaguely aware of Fin following close beside her. Many of the faces were unfamiliar: she wasn't well-acquainted with most members of VICE or ESU. She eventually found Liv, blood still staining the lieutenant's hands. Amanda tried to keep eye contact.

"He went right into surgery," Liv told them breathlessly without prompting.

"What the hell happened?" Fin spoke the words Amanda couldn't seem to get out of her own mouth.

"I don't know. Declan is with VICE, he's okay. It was Jasper who fired, but I don't know..." Liv shook her head, looking like she was on the brink of tears. She composed herself quickly, as she always did. "I don't know how we got here, how it got to this point."

The three looked at one another wordlessly.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant Benson?" A woman in a white coat and blue scrubs approached carefully.

"Yes, that's me. Carisi is one of our own. How is he?" Liv said eagerly.

"I'm Dr. Birch, the trauma physician here tonight," the woman introduced herself before asking, "Dominick, is he married? Does he have any children? How about any family in the area?"

"He's got three sisters. His parents are an hour away in Staten Island..." Liv responded.

"You might want to contact them."

The words were heavy and ominous. Finally, Amanda felt something: a wave of nausea propelled by dread. She swallowed hard.

"He's sustained two gun shots to the chest," Dr. Birch continued, clearly noticing the squad's shock. "One went through the chest wall and came out of his back, the other is still lodged in his right lung. The surgeon is attempting to remove-"

"'Attempting?'" the lieutenant interrupted.

"I'm not going to sugarcoat this: this is extremely risky surgery. He was bleeding into his lungs by the time he got here. I'm guessing these were some heavy, high-velocity bullets, not your run-of-the-mill .22," Dr. Birch clarified. "I'll let you know as soon as he's out. In the meantime, call his family."

"I'll do that. Thank you, doctor," Liv replied quietly.

With a nod, the physician disappeared. They were left to wait.

* * *

Jasmine had run out of the back door of the nail salon amid the chaos following the gunfire. She escaped right into the arms of NYPD; she was safe. Amanda tried to take solace in the fact that the girls had made it out unscathed, but as she sat in Bellevue's waiting room she found herself almost angry at them. They were innocent, they were victims, but they were whole - and Sonny wasn't.

The longer they went without news, the more crushing Amanda's anxiety became. Why hadn't she called him back the other night? Would that be their last interaction, something so petty and immature, nothing at all like the man he was and the woman he was helping her become? He would die remembering that she was selfish and stubborn and that was something she could never undo.

She hadn't cried yet; she simply sat. While she waited, Liv was in control. She asked the questions, got the information, sorted the details. She tracked down Sonny's parents and three sisters, all of them spread across New York City and beyond. She was grateful for her lieutenant's fortitude, because while Amanda may have looked detached, she was teetering on the edge of devastation. The only thing holding her together was the presence of other officers and that old habit she had of keeping her vulnerabilities private. Her colleagues could talk in hushed tones and exchange sad glances, but they certainly weren't going to be doing it in Amanda's direction - not if she could help it.

With Sonny's family on their way, Liv had disappeared awhile ago looking for information on his status. The crowd in the waiting room had thinned now, diluted down to SVU-adjacent squad members, a couple of VICE detectives and some patrol officers. Fin quietly kept his eye on Amanda, which she appreciated. She didn't know where Declan was, but once Liv had told her that he was alive, she didn't have the energy to care much beyond that.

Amanda's phone rang in her back pocket. For a split second, she thought it was Sonny calling - he would want to know all about this. Then, with a sickening jolt, she remembered that he might never be able to call her again.

It was Audrey. She picked it up, pressing the phone close to her ear as she began to pace. "Audrey, hi."

"Are you okay? Weren't you in Chelsea? It's all over the news!" Audrey said frantically.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It's just... I'm gonna need you to stay overnight with Jesse and Frannie. Can you?" Amanda explained.

"Sure I can..." She could tell that Audrey wanted to know more but thought better of pressing her boss.

"Thanks, Audrey. I'll text you later, okay?" Amanda said gratefully before hanging up and putting her phone in her pocket again.

Looking up, she saw Liv hurrying down the hallway toward her.

"He's out. They moved him up to fifth floor ICU," Liv explained, standing close to the detective to set a reassuring hand on her arm. "Amanda, he is in rough shape. They have him on a ventilator, he's got a chest tube. He's heavily sedated. Are you sure you want to-"

She knew Liv was trying to spare her and that she should have been appreciative. Instead, she was resentful. She shook Liv's palm off of her arm before beginning to walk away. "I'm sure."


	8. Chapter 8

Amanda took the elevator to the fifth floor alone. When the big silver doors slid open, the cavernous hallway was stark white and eerily quiet; she couldn't help but wonder if that was because everyone there was dying. She tried to keep that morbid thought at bay as a kind nurse guided a clearly disoriented Amanda to Sonny's room around the corner.

Once left by herself, Amanda carefully pushed open the heavy door of his suite. She didn't know what to expect, but what she saw made her feel like her heart was being clenched by a very strong fist. She quickly clasped her hand over her mouth to keep herself from crying out in surprise.

Liv had been right: he looked terrible. How could anybody look good with a tube down their throat and one jutting from their side, their chest mechanically rising and falling via the work of a machine? It was as if he was a mere shell of himself, all of the light and energy that made Sonny who he was gone and replaced by the hospital's attempt at preserving his body.

His eyes were closed, but Amanda didn't know if he could hear her. She swallowed hard as she approached his side.

"Hey..." she said quietly, walking toward his bed cautiously. She sat in the chair nearest to him.

He didn't respond.

Leaning forward, she reached for his hand. His fingers didn't curl around her own like they usually did, they remained still in her grasp. Whatever semblance of stoicism she had maintained in the last couple of hours disappeared: hot tears sprung to her eyes and she let them slip down her cheeks, her features crumpling in pain and fear.

"You're gonna be okay. You got this," Amanda whispered earnestly, her voice thick with emotion as she squeezed his hand. She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him, or herself. "I know it, I know it because nobody fights harder than you. You never give up on anything."

She could taste the salt of her own tears, could see the drops staining the sleeves of her shirt. Her blurry eyes flitted over Sonny's unchanging face and she pulled in a breath in an attempt to collect herself. "Remember when you first started at SVU? You drove me crazy. I've still never met anybody who talks as much as you do." She attempted a weak smile. "And, man, I gave you such a hard time. I was so angry. Not at you, just... at everything. At my sister, at my mother, at men, at myself. You didn't care, though. You just kept tryin', even when I didn't deserve it. All the good in you, you gave it to me even when I was at my worst. We need that good, Sonny. There's a lot of people who need you around."

Amanda paused to search his features again, hoping for any indication that her words were understood. "You were the first person who held Jesse after she was born, remember? She was so small, I loved her so much but I didn't know what the hell I was doin'. I could barely take care of myself, so in your own way, you took care of us both."

"Who else is gonna cook for Jesse? You know it won't be me," Amanda continued, managing a sad little laugh which was only met by the hissing, beeping machines he was attached to. She felt tears threatening to choke her again as she confessed desperately, hoping that wherever he was, he could hear her: "Jesse loves you. _I_ love you."

* * *

Amanda sat with Sonny for awhile. When she finally left his room, she was horribly red and puffy but managed to steady herself enough to walk away. As she was about to round the corner of the hallway, she heard Declan's familiar voice talking to Liv. Amanda stopped in her tracks, curious. Silent and unnoticed, she listened.

"He made Carisi for a cop," she heard Declan say in a hushed tone.

"How?" Liv responded.

"Two days ago. He figured out-"

" _Two days ago?_ "

"Jasper told me. If I reacted, if I would have done something, they never would have brought the girls, especially not with Ye. But now we've got them both."

The lingering NYPD staff had moved to the fifth floor waiting room. Sonny's parents, Bella and another one of his sisters were talking quietly to a doctor by the nurses' station. None of this stopped Amanda: she charged at Declan, interrupting he and Liv's conversation by inserting her body between theirs.

" _You son of a bitch_ ," Amanda spat at Declan, her chest heaving up and down with the intensity of her sudden anger. "You knew. You knew he was at risk and you let it happen anyway?"

Declan moved backward slightly, looking surprised. "Amanda, you don't understand what-"

"Oh, I understand just fine. The great Lieutenant Murphy has to come out on top, right? Even if it means he almost kills another cop!" she yelled, shoving at his chest with all of her force.

Liv instantly grabbed at her arms from behind, restraining her as Declan stumbled but remained upright. "Amanda! Amanda, not here," she commanded.

Amanda struggled in her lieutenant's strong grasp, still fighting to move forward. She just wanted a minute with Declan to make him feel even the smallest fraction of the pain Sonny was currently enduring. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fin approaching, but it was irrelevant: she wasn't going to let this go.

"You really are a bastard, you know that?" she continued maniacally, still straining in Declan's direction. "Are you happy now? You get to tell everybody what a hero you are. I hope that keeps you warm at night while you're all alone, while you preach to other people about their flaws and wrong-doings, when really _you're_ the one with blood on your hands. You-"

"Lieutenant Benson, get her out of here!" A stern-looking nurse rushed over, interrupting them.

"Amanda, c'mon," Amanda heard Fin say gently as she felt his hand on her shoulder.

"Fin, take her out of here," Liv pleaded to Amanda's partner.

Wild-eyed, Amanda glanced over Declan's shoulder to see the entire waiting area, including Sonny's family, watching her outburst in horrified silence. She felt a small twinge of regret, but if given the opportunity, she still would have lunged at Declan.

"Okay, _okay_! I'm outta here," Amanda exclaimed irritably, shaking off everyone's grip before backing away and putting her hands up in defeat.

"Let's get some air," Fin suggested levelly, taking Amanda's arm to guide her toward the elevator.

* * *

"You know smokin' is bad for you," Fin told her.

Amanda ignored him as she held the nicotine in her lungs, desperate. She had bummed a cigarette from a nurse who was smoking on her break in the hopes that it would relax her.

"That was quite the performance up there," Fin continued, his eyes watching the street in front of them. "I thought you were gonna claw Murphy's eyes out."

"I would have, if y'all would have let me."

"You know IAB is gonna be all over this. Let them handle it."

She had a pounding headache. Exhaling a little cloud of smoke into the dark, she looked over at Fin. "You really believe that? He's got IAB wrapped around his finger. He gets away with everything," Amanda scoffed. "He's the one who convinced IAB that I was a UC in that gambling club a couple years ago."

"Wait, what? You _were_ UC," Fin replied, confused.

"That was bullshit. I was gamblin' there and got caught, fifteen grand behind. Murphy saved my ass," she admitted dryly, flicking ashes off of her dwindling cigarette. She was past the point of having the energy to be ashamed of her old mistakes.

"Huh," was all Fin said. She was relieved; he always knew when to abandon a topic of conversation.

Amanda finished her cigarette but yearned for another. She tossed the butt onto the ground and stepped on the remaining ember. She felt like crying again but she really didn't want to. Arms crossed over her chest, she kept her eyes focused straight ahead.

"He's gonna be okay," Fin eventually said.

Her chest began to tighten, a sure indicator that tears were brewing. "Mm," was all she could muster in response.

"You really got feelings for him, huh?" It was more of an observation than a question.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:** More this weekend!

* * *

Amanda splashed cold water on her face in the women's room. She rubbed away the smudged mascara from under her eyes and tied her hair into a ponytail. Studying her reflection under the institutional lighting, she tried to assess whether or not her distress was obvious. She eventually concluded that she simply looked tired, although oddly enough, she was far from it. She adjusted her badge on her hip before making her way to Jasmine Ortega's room. She had work to do.

Liv had already taken Jasmine's official statement, but Amanda felt compelled to meet with her anyway. Despite what was going on with Sonny, Amanda was still a detective and this was still her case. At the very least, this was an important distraction. Over the course of the investigation, she had spent so much time picking apart all of the details of Jasmine's young life that she almost felt like she knew her.

Amanda found the fifteen year old girl sitting up in her hospital bed, her parents hovering at her side. It was late, but all of them were wide-eyed and alert. Jasmine appeared physically unharmed, but Amanda had been doing this work long enough to know that in these scenarios, most of the wounds went far beyond the superficial.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ortega," Amanda greeted the two adults; she had met them several times before. She looked over at Jasmine with her kindest smile. "Jasmine, I'm Detective Rollins, with Manhattan SVU. I've been working on your case."

"Hi," Jasmine said meekly.

"I know you've had a really long day... but is it okay if I talk to you for a little bit?" she asked Jasmine carefully.

Jasmine exchanged glances with her parents, who nodded in encouragement. "We're going to get some coffee," Mrs. Ortega explained. She patted her daughter's leg reassuringly beneath the blankets. "You two talk."

Left alone, Amanda perched herself against the window sill.

"That guy, is he dead?" Jasmine asked her timidly.

"What guy?"

"The police officer."

"Oh. No, he's... he's alright," Amanda managed, even though she wasn't sure it was true.

"That's good."

"How are you holdin' up?"

Jasmine shrugged. "I feel pretty stupid."

Amanda's brow furrowed, concerned. "Why?"

"When Jasper first messaged me on Facebook, it was nice to have somebody interested in me. You know when you have a crush on somebody and you get butterflies just seeing their name come up on your phone?"

The detective nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"We'd talk all day and all night. He would ask me about classes and my flute lessons, my family... I sent him pictures of my dog and... stuff," Jasmine explained, looking embarrassed. "He told me how pretty I was, that I shouldn't be shy or insecure, that I'm better looking than my friends."

"He was grooming you, Jasmine. He was trying to make you feel special and safe so he could get to you," Amanda said gently.

Jasmine picked at the blanket that was covering the lower half of her body. "I shoulda known he was bad. At school, nobody even looks twice at me."

"Jasmine... Jasper took horrible advantage of you and countless other girls. He _is_ bad," Amanda told her firmly. "But there are plenty of good people out there, too. Ones who will like you for good and honest reasons, even on the days you aren't so crazy about yourself."

The girl looked away and mumbled, "that's just something adults say."

"Yeah, I know. I used to think the same thing."

"And now you don't?"

Amanda shook her head. "No. Now I know it's possible."

Jasmine eyed her skeptically. "How?"

She smiled sadly. "Somebody showed me."

* * *

At two thirty in the morning, Amanda decided to return to the ICU. Fin begrudgingly went home at her insisting - he looked exhausted. Once back on the fifth floor, Amanda discreetly found a seat in the empty waiting room as not to attract the attention of any nurses who may have witnessed her earlier outburst. She assumed Sonny's family was with him, so she kept her distance, hoping somebody would appear with news eventually. Alone, her eyes drifted closed, opening only when Kim began to text her a series of inspirational Bible verses.

"Excuse me, Detective Rollins?"

She looked up from her phone and sat up straighter. Standing in front of her in the empty room was Sonny's father. She hadn't met him before, but they looked so much alike that it was obvious they were related.

"Hi. Amanda, call me Amanda," she said quickly, running fingertips through her bangs in the hopes of neatening them.

"I'm Dominick, Sonny's father. You mind if I...?" He motioned to the empty chair next to her.

"No, of course," she said, gesturing for him to sit.

"So. You're still here," he observed.

"Yeah. The lieutenant will be back in a few hours, she needed to make arrangements for her son," Amanda assured him, like her presence alone wasn't sufficient.

Dominick nodded.

"I should apologize for earlier. I shouldn't have done that, said what I said..."

"Amanda, we're Italian. Yellin' is how we talk," Dominick told her with a wry smile.

She cleared her throat, still embarrassed. "How's he doing? And your family?"

"Sonny is stable. They're gonna take him off the ventilator at some point tomorrow, guess he's at pretty high risk for pneumonia with it in. He'll be sedated till then. That other thing... the chest tube, it's gotta be in for a week, till his lung can work on its own." He sighed. "My wife is outta her mind with worry. She never liked that he became a cop. Woulda kept the kid in a bubble, if he'd have it. His sisters used to call him 'the little prince,'" he added with a grin. "He hated that."

She turned to look at him better, her elbow resting on the top of the chair so her head could lean against her hand. Listening to Dominick was oddly calming, maybe because it was almost like being around Sonny.

Dominick went on, "Sonny's tough, though. Stubborn as hell. But he was always a good kid. People took advantage of that. Got the crap kicked outta him a few times. Every time it happened I'd ask him, 'you wanna learn how to fight?' Every time he'd say, 'nah, they don't mean it,' like he was... empathizing with the kids who clobbered him."

"Sounds like Sonny," Amanda murmured.

"My Bella on the other hand... she'll knock your teeth out if you look at her wrong." He exhaled and leaned forward, forearms resting on his knees and hands clasped loosely. He looked over at Amanda. "I hear you've got a beautiful little girl. Jesse, is it?"

She was surprised at the mention of Jesse, although she probably shouldn't have been. "Jesse, yeah," she confirmed with a small smile.

"I've seen her picture. Looks like a real doll." He grinned. "We've heard a lot about you."

"Oh, no..."

"All good things, don't worry. Amanda is always two steps ahead of everybody, a hard worker, a great mother..." He sat up before continuing, "I'm sorry I had to meet you this way, though. When this is all over, you and Jesse should come over for dinner. I know Sonny avoids Staten Island like the plague these days, but it's not so bad."

Amanda swallowed over the lump forming in her throat. He was so warm and kind, she suddenly wished he would hug her. "That would be nice. We'd really like that."

* * *

The next two days were a blur. Amanda rushed between the hospital, the precinct and home, trying to keep all aspects of her life together while she waited for Sonny to be alert and well enough for visitors. Declan was notably absent from all of these areas, but Amanda preferred it that way. She had a lot to say to him but kept wondering if it was worth it; if there was someone more hard-headed than she was, it was Declan. Trying to reason with him would be a painful and most likely fruitless effort.

Liv received news that Sonny had improved that afternoon and had sent Amanda to see him. The lieutenant didn't have to tell her to - Amanda would have asked to go anyway - but she wondered if Liv was attempting to give her an out. It was hard to concentrate on anything but what was happening at the hospital; Amanda wasn't exactly the picture of productivity as she obsessively checked her phone for messages or calls.

Once back at Bellevue, Amanda made her way to the now-familiar ICU. Again, she found herself anxious about what to expect - Sonny couldn't possibly look worse than he did two days ago, could he? She had never been one for prayer, but in the hallway she silently pleaded for his recovery to whatever higher power was watching all of this play out. She gave the door to Sonny's room a quiet knock before opening it and stepping inside.

Sonny's bed was in an upright position now. He was breathing on his own, without the ventilator, but it looked like the careful act of inhaling and exhaling was an effort. There was an IV hanging from one arm and his chest tube was still attached to a monitor at his side, the line only partially hidden by blankets. Those details were irrelevant to Amanda, however, the moment she saw that his blue eyes were open. She felt tears of relief begin to form, the reaction beyond her control.

"C'mon, Rollins, do I look that bad?" Sonny asked playfully, his voice hoarse and quiet.

She shook her head, trying to compose herself before she opened her mouth. She set her handbag on a chair before she gingerly perched herself at his side on the edge of his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been shot in the chest - twice," he quipped, the corners of his eyes crinkling with his smile.

"I am so sorry."

"Why are you apologizin'? You didn't shoot me."

Amanda didn't know how much he knew about Declan, but she didn't have it in her to bring it up now. She felt the sting of tears again as she whispered, "I'm just glad you're alright."

"Hey, hey. I'm fine. They stitched me back up, it's all good," Sonny insisted casually, noticing her expression and reaching for her hand. His eyes were glassy as they looked at her, probably from medication. "You didn't bring the baby here, did you? This place is Germ City."

She smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever. That was such a Sonny thing to say. "No, she's at home."

They were quiet for a little while. Their fingers entwined, it was enough for her just to be there with him.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Amanda said suddenly, releasing his hand to grab her purse from the chair by his bed. "I brought you some things. We didn't know how long you'd be here, so... Liv found your crossword puzzle book in your desk, and she got you a new one," she began, handing the books to Sonny. Next, she pulled out a large novel and explained, "this is from Barba. Looks like it'd put me straight to sleep, but I know y'all like that stuff, so..." With a quirked eyebrow, she passed him _The Transformation of American Law._ Finally, she gave him a blue piece of construction paper covered in multicolored, crudely-drawn hearts and scribbles. "And Jesse made you this."

Carefully, Sonny set the books on the table by his bed and took the drawing in both of his hands to study it. "Wow, a Jesse Rollins original." He looked up at Amanda, smiling. "This is great. All of it. Thank you."

She inched closer to him. Leaning forward slightly, she kissed him gently. "You're welcome."

When she pulled away, Sonny set Jesse's drawing atop of his new stack of books and shifted to sit up a little straighter, grimacing a little as he moved. "Amanda?"

"Hm?" Amanda replied.

"Love you too."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** The last chapter of this will be posted this weekend! Never fear, I've got more Rollisi up my sleeve if there is any interest in seeing how these two progress. Let me know! :-)

* * *

"Amanda, you really don't have to do this," Sonny said.

"It's not up for discussion. Go inside," Amanda responded firmly.

They stood in the hallway outside of her apartment. After six days of being hospitalized, Sonny was discharged. While he could have managed alone at his own place, the doctors had recommended that he have people around in case complications arose. The next two weeks were a critical period for healing, especially if he hoped to go back to work as soon as possible. Amanda had quickly assured his Bellevue treatment team that he would be well cared for in Long Island City.

"Aman-"

"You wanna go to your mother's for two weeks? I'm sure she'd be thrilled. You'll gain fifty pounds and be lookin' for a therapist in no-time," she interrupted his protest with an amused little grin, already sure of the answer to her question.

"Okay, okay. I'm goin'," he resigned.

Victorious, Amanda opened her front door to allow both of them inside. As she set Sonny's bag on the floor, she saw Jesse chasing Frannie around the living room, squealing with laughter, while Audrey sat on the couch.

"You're back!" Audrey exclaimed as they walked in, standing up to greet them.

"Hey, Audrey. How's it goin'?" Sonny mumbled, looking like a teenager who had just been grounded. When Jesse launched herself in his direction and latched on to his leg, however, his expression softened. "Hey, you," he said to the little girl.

"Being gentle," Jesse said, parroting the word her mother had taught her hours earlier.

"That's right, we've gotta be gentle," Amanda said approvingly to her daughter.

Sonny leaned down slightly to ruffle Jesse's hair and gave her a playful look, which prompted giggles from her. "Your mother is bein' dramatic."

"Sonny!" Amanda exclaimed, annoyed.

"Glad you're feeling better, Sonny. I'll see you guys tomorrow," Audrey said with a laugh as she gathered up her things to leave. After chatting with Amanda in the adjoining kitchen for a few minutes, the babysitter made her exit, leaving them alone.

"Will you sit down, please?" Amanda pleaded with Sonny, who was still standing in the living room with Jesse. She moved around them, picking up toys and books that had been left strewn about, putting them in their rightful places.

"Yes, warden," he replied with a roll of his eyes.

"You were shot _twice._ You almost _died_. They had to take a bullet out of your _lung_. You're on _six_ medications and supposed to be doing nothing for the next two weeks," Amanda reminded him as she continued to tidy up, Frannie at her heels. "Were you even listening when they discharged you?"

Gingerly, Sonny sat on the couch. Jesse, with surprising caution, climbed onto his lap with her iPad. "I mean, I heard the important parts. But I feel better already now that I'm outta there. They say all that other stuff just 'cause they have to."

"Where'd you get your medical degree again?"

He looked at her like she had three heads. "Why are you so worked up about this?"

Amanda stopped what she was doing to stare at him, exasperated. She couldn't understand how something she had lost so much sleep over was so inconsequential to him.

"You're right. Why don't we find you a marathon to run tomorrow, hm?" she said sarcastically before stalking into Jesse's room to begin roughly shoving books back into her small bookcase.

Since Sonny had been shot, Amanda was surprised how emotional she had become. In a sad way, she used to pride herself on her ability to remain stoic in the face of hardship, whether they were personal or professional. Now her sensitivity scared her; she couldn't remember the last time she had been so invested in another person who wasn't her daughter or her sister. She knew that she loved Sonny, and while she hadn't said the words since he was first hospitalized, they were always on the tip of her tongue. While she was confident when it came to expressing herself physically, verbalizing emotions had never been in her comfort zone. Sex was an act, but to confess the matters of her heart? To Amanda, that was more intimate than anything.

She heard Sonny talking with Jesse, feigning interest in the colorful, interactive games on her tablet. Amanda walked past them into the kitchen to put a few dishes away. When her thoughts were racing, she found it helpful to be engaged in some kind of task. Luckily, she was never short on those. She walked into her bedroom and began to peel off the clothes she had been wearing all day in favor of old track shorts and a Braves t-shirt. Pulling the elastic out of her hair, she looked around, observing a mess of clothes and shoes that had been forgotten after a chaotic week. She started putting away the shirts that were strewn about the bed, as she hoped to get into it at some point that evening.

"What are you doin'?" she heard Sonny ask from the threshold of her room.

"I'm putting stuff away. This place is a mess. I haven't cleaned in a week," she explained, continuing to hang up blouses in her overflowing closet.

"Well.. c'mere."

Amanda turned around and looked up at him expectantly through the stray strands of blonde hair that had fallen over her eyes. "What?" she sighed, as if he was interrupting some monumentally important mission.

"I know you're just worried about me."

"Do you?" she replied sharply, turning back around to keep putting shirts in their rightful places. She couldn't believe it, but she suddenly felt like she was going to start to cry. Who the hell was she becoming? She focused intently on straightening her hangers and the sound of Jesse laughing to herself in the living room.

"Of course I do. It's just, I'm tryin' not to think too much about it."

"Well, _I_ have been thinking a lot about it, Carisi. It's been a little difficult not to," she snapped. Now her voice was tremulous with emotion as she hung the last of what had been in her arms.

She felt his hand on her back. "Amanda, hey," Sonny said quietly. "I'm sorry this happened."

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, but all that did was loosen the tears that had been threatening to fall. She roughly wiped them away before finally turning to face him. He wasn't getting it. "Don't be ridiculous, don't apologize for that." She swallowed past the tightness in her throat and exhaled audibly. With hands on her hips, she studied the carpet as she tried to pull herself together. It seemed liked the more she attempted to appear unaffected, though, the more difficult it became to keep her emotions at bay. "I just keep thinkin'... I don't know what I'd do if..." She couldn't complete the sentence, as if she was afraid saying it out loud would somehow make it happen.

Sonny took her face into his rough palms, his thumbs brushing away the tears on her cheeks. "Y'think you can get rid of me that easy? Nah," he teased. His smile melted into a more serious expression, his brows knitting together as he looked at her. "One of the only things I remember from that night is Jasper pullin' his gun on me, and I'm thinkin': 'this son of a bitch is gonna kill me and Amanda's never gonna know, she's never gonna know how much I love her.'"

Amanda felt her heart swell in her chest. She covered his hands on her cheeks with her own, hanging on to them as if she would fall over otherwise.

"My other thought was that I have an embarrassing amount of stuff that needs dry cleanin' in my apartment and people are gonna discover how lazy I really am once they bust in there after I'm dead," Sonny continued, a mischievous glint in his eye. "But.. mostly the first thing."

She grinned even despite the fact that she was crying. "I know how much you love me," she whispered honestly, her voice catching in her throat, because it would be impossible _not_ to know it. "I love you, too."

He kissed her once, twice. "Then everything is gonna be okay."

* * *

"Jesse is still asleep, but when she wakes up she's gonna want breakfast. I have Cheerios in the cabinet, plain and honey nut. Her plastic bowl and spoon are by the fridge. Audrey should be here in twenty minutes, though, so just make sure she stays in one piece till then. _Don't_ pick her up, you aren't supposed to. Just slide the bars on the crib down so she can get out."

Amanda flitted around her bedroom, half-dressed, trying to get ready for work. Liv hated it when she was late.

"I think I can give a kid cereal if I have to, Amanda," Sonny said from his spot sitting up in bed, his back leaned against her headboard.

Ignoring him, she continued, "all of your medications are in the drawer to the left of the stove. The instructions from the hospital are on the counter." She pulled a gauzy white button-down from her closet and slipped it over her shoulders, leaving it open as she went on to clasp the little gold necklace she wore daily around her neck. As she did so, she looked over at Sonny, who was now thumbing through something on his phone. "Are you listening to me?"

He dropped his phone into his lap quickly to look up at her innocently. "Yeah, yeah, I am. I got it: keep Jesse alive, happy pills in the drawer by the stove."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay here?" she sighed, moving to hover at the side of the bed.

"I'm gonna be fine, 'Manda. Really," Sonny insisted. Leaning up and in, he kissed her.

She leaned down to meet his mouth. She felt his warm hands on the bare skin of her abdomen, gradually creeping upwards. For a moment, she forgot that she was frantically racing to work and that Sonny had just had massive, life-saving surgery barely over a week ago. If this had been any other morning, she would have gotten undressed just as quickly as she had put her clothes on minutes earlier, forever a slave to her impulses. Instead, Amanda eventually swatted Sonny's hands away. "No physical activity for two weeks. You'll live," she reminded him breathlessly with an impish grin. She began to button up her shirt. "You've got a lot of television to watch."

He relaxed back again, appearing defeated. "Yeah, I gotta catch up on the Kardashians anyway. I've missed like, four episodes. Who is Khloe even datin' now?" he said. She knew he was only half-joking: she had proudly created this reality television monster.

"Tristan Thompson, plays for the Cavs. Amazing rebounder," Amanda explained as she began to toss items into her purse. She may not have bet on any games in a couple of years, but that didn't mean she didn't pay attention. She hauled her handbag over her shoulder and looked at Sonny. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"I may not pick up, I think this might be a good time to try Crossfit..."

She rolled her eyes as she walked away, officially on the verge of running late. Amanda poked her head into Jesse's room to find her daughter still sleeping peacefully, her thumb in her mouth and her hair a mess. Satisfied, she put her sunglasses on and headed out of her apartment. Just before she made it to work, she stopped at her usual Starbucks for a much-needed coffee.

Cup in hand, two blocks from the precinct, she heard Declan Murphy calling her name. "Amanda! Amanda, hey, wait!"

Against her better judgement, she stopped. She knew this would happen eventually. "What d'you want, Murphy?" she asked, eyeing him through the dark lenses of her sunglasses.

"I want to explain what happened with the sting," he said earnestly.

"Explain it to IAB. I'm not interested," Amanda retorted.

"I didn't set Carisi up on purpose. I swear it. I'd never risk a fellow officer-"

"But you did, though," she interrupted him, her voice surprisingly steady given the topic. "You did it on the off chance this would go your way."

"I did what I had to do to get those girls back," Declan barked. He appeared to pull in a breath, like he was trying not to say something he would regret. He continued quietly, "I had no idea Jasper was gonna pull a gun on Carisi. I thought he'd rough him up a little or threaten him, something like that."

"But he almost killed him."

"C'mon, Amanda. You've been shot, I've been shot-"

"Don't trivialize this, Declan," she snapped. "Sometimes I think you get so deep into these things that you really have gotten dirty."

"Hey, that isn't fair. I've been UC for years, doing all the work no other cops wanna do. I've given my life to this job, to the betterment of the world we live in," he exclaimed.

"Really, Declan?" Amanda said skeptically. "'Cause I think you're just an opportunist. You like bein' in the fray, coming out heroic. You take advantage of situations. Hell, you took advantage of me."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, c'mon. All that psychobabble bullshit lecturing me about my blind spot for men in power, and then suddenly we're sleeping together? You a lieutenant, me a detective who _just barely_ kept her shield only because of _your_ authority? Like you didn't know I was at my lowest, like you didn't use it in your favor," Amanda explained with a sly, knowing smile.

"You've been at SVU way too long, Amanda. Not every interaction between a man and a woman is a goddamn power play," Declan replied irritably.

"I'm not blaming you for that night, I was a willing participant." She pushed her sunglasses to rest atop her head so she could look Declan in the eye unobstructed. "I just want you to know that as well as you think you know me, I know you, too."

He held her gaze for what seemed like an eternity. Sighing, he eventually told her, "I came here to apologize, okay? Truly."

Amanda started walking away. "Apologize to Carisi, not to me. He's the one who's gonna be on desk duty for months."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN:** Here's the last of it! There will be more Rollisi in the near future for those of you interested in these two!

* * *

Eight days later and she was still running late.

"Rollins, so nice of you to join us," Barba greeted her in his dry, bored way as she raced into the squad room, sunglasses still shielding her eyes and her hair in disarray.

"I'm sorry I'm late, it's like havin' two kids at-" Amanda stopped abruptly when she caught sign of Fin's expression, which was wordlessly telling her to keep her mouth shut. "Sorry," she concluded, mostly to Liv, who she felt like she was constantly apologizing to.

"We were just discussing the Jasmine Ortega case," Barba went on to explain.

She began to unpack her handbag at her desk as the squad hovered around her. "Okay..."

"Carisi, is he up to testifying?" the counselor asked.

She looked up at him over the rim of her sunglasses, which were still resting on her nose. "Why are you asking me?"

"He's still at your apartment," Barba stated, his expression unflinchingly benign.

Liv and Fin eyed her expectantly.

Of course everybody knew where Sonny was, but it still made her itchy to hear Barba announce it to the entire squad room. She pulled off her sunglasses and resumed organizing herself for the day as she replied with a sweet smile, "he didn't get shot in the head. Ask him yourself."

* * *

Amanda managed to get home by six o'clock that night. When she walked into her apartment, she found Sonny and Jesse putting together a large puzzle in the living room.

"Mama, look!" Jesse called immediately.

She set her bag down on the kitchen counter. "Hey guys," she said, walking to stand by the coffee table they were huddled around. "Wow, Jess. You did such a good job," she cooed approvingly. "Looks like it took you-"

"-all day," Sonny finished her sentence matter-of-factly.

Amanda wiggled her eyebrows in amusement as she made her way back to her purse to begin digging around for her phone. "What do you wanna do for dinner? I'm starving."

"My parents are bringin' something over," Sonny responded.

She stopped what she was doing, hoping she misheard. "What?"

"My mother made lasagna."

"They are coming over for dinner? Here? Now? When were you planning on letting me know?" she sputtered, eyes wide in horror.

"I just did," Sonny said innocently.

Glaring at him, Amanda moved farther into the kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of red wine that was sitting on the counter and uncorked it before dumping some of its contents into the nearest clean juice glass. "I could kill you," she told him before taking a large sip.

"That's not nice!" Jesse chirped.

"What's the big deal? You love lasagna," Sonny said, eyes still focused intently on placing a puzzle piece.

"Not this kind of lasagna. I'm being ambushed by this lasagna," Amanda explained over the rim of her cup.

"I have never met a person who has been sad about free lasagna," he said, then a victorious "ha!" once he found the correct spot in the puzzle. Jesse clapped excitedly in response.

Another gulp of wine. "This isn't actually about lasagna, Sonny! This place is a mess, I look like crap-"

"That's a bad word!" Jesse interjected.

"I think you look nice," Sonny offered.

She sighed, annoyed. "You always say that, Sonny. You said that while I was in labor. You've set the bar pretty low."

* * *

"Jesse, use your fork, please," Amanda murmured to Jesse.

"I am," the little girl replied as she used her fingers to put a piece of lasagna on her utensil.

It didn't really matter: ten minutes into dinner and Jesse was covered in red sauce. Whether or not Amanda had wanted lasagna, it had showed up at her door anyway. She was initially overwhelmed by the Carisis' intensity; it was a lot of energy in one small apartment. Yet she was struck by their obvious warmth rather than the tone of their voices: Dominick engaged Jesse on the floor and his wife fawned over Amanda's hair (which was hardly worthy of any praise at the moment), and most notably they both looked genuinely pleased to be there.

Sitting at a table with them for dinner, watching them all talk and laugh, Amanda realized how foreign the experience was to her. While the Carisis all teased and nagged one another, the spirit of their interactions was rooted in love. Amanda's childhood family dinners were rare, but when they happened they were tense, failed attempts at normalcy. She experienced a sudden twinge of jealousy as she imagined what Sonny's youth must have been like: he must have felt so cared for, so safe. His parents probably hung his tests on the refrigerator and framed his scribbles, just so he knew that he was special, that he was adored.

"So, Amanda. You're from Atlanta?" Mrs. Carisi asked her from across the table.

She didn't realize she had been staring blankly at her half-empty plate, lost in her envy of the fantasy world she had concocted of Sonny's life. She looked up suddenly, embarrassed. "Sort of. Loganville, it's..." _A minuscule town filled with trailer parks,_ Amanda thought to herself. "It's a small town near by."

"Your parents, are they still there?" Dominick asked curiously.

"My mama is," Amanda answered simply. _Please don't ask about the rest of my crazy family,_ she silently pleaded. _I_ _don't how to make my parolee sister, gambler father and drama queen mother sound good._

"Don't you miss it? Georgia seems so... _pleasant_ , in comparison to here. Why'd you ever leave?" Mrs. Carisi said dramatically.

Amanda studied Sonny's mother's face. She looked so eager to learn about her life, which made Amanda wish she had more dinner-table-appropriate stories to share. "I needed a change."

Mrs. Carisi gave her a kind grin. "Well, it sounds like you're doin' real well here. Sonny tells us you're a great detective."

Wine glass halfway to her mouth, Amanda glanced over at Sonny. "So is Sonny."

He gave her a small, appreciative smile.

His mother's eyes darted between the two of them, like she was looking for something. "Thank you for havin' him here. I know he'd rather die than come recover with his poor, old parents."

"Ma, please..." Sonny grumbled before taking another bite from his plate.

"We're happy to have him here, for as long as he wants to stay," Amanda said honestly, speaking for both herself and Jesse.

Beneath the table, she felt Sonny's palm rest atop her thigh. She covered it with her own hand.

* * *

Declan knocked on Amanda Rollin's door, but it was Sonny Carisi who answered it.

Sonny looked mildly confused in the threshold. "Lieutenant. Let me get Amanda, she's just givin' Jesse a bath-"

"No need. I'm here to talk to you, Detective," Declan explained.

"Oh. Okay. What's up?"

"How are you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine. Hurts like hell, mostly at night, but I'm managin'."

"Good, that's good," Declan said with a nod.

With an eyebrow quirked, Sonny asked, "you come over here to check up on me?"

"Not exactly. I wanted to let you know that I'm leaving. I'm going back to Serbia," the lieutenant explained.

"No offense, Lieutenant, but shouldn't you be tellin' Amanda this?" Sonny said slowly.

"I will," Declan assured him. His eyes searched Sonny's features before saying carefully, "I care about Amanda a lot, you know. I know she's had her struggles but she's sharp and she's passionate. She's a good detective and a good person. Jesse's lucky to have her."

His brow furrowed. "I know..."

"And they're both lucky to have you, Carisi."

Sonny's eyes widened slightly as he replied quickly, defensively, "I'm not tryin' to step on any toes here-"

Declan shook his head and held up a hand, silencing the younger man. "I just wanted to let you know that whatever life you have here with Amanda and Jesse... I can tell it's a good one. I'm not looking to interfere with that. But Amanda's been jerked around since she was a kid and I don't want that for her, or for Jesse." He looked at Sonny and lowered his voice, "so all I ask of you, Detective, is that you take care of them."

He could see the wheels in Sonny's head turning. After a moment, he gave Declan a small nod of understanding. "Copy that, Lieutenant."


End file.
